Hard and harder

I am by no means at "the hardest" these days. But things are hard. Feel hard. Very confusing. Very painful for me. I feel like an imposter on my job. This is an activity that helps to occupy me from obsessing over the end of an unraveling marriage. 

So, the pressure is on me. Keep life organized. Keep the household rolling along, food in the cupboards, bills paid. Lights on. Keep a semblance of normal and remind our kids that there is an adult in charge even if she  tears up easily in private and watches tv more hours than is recommended alone on the couch by herself at night. Even if she dozes off and brushes herself and turns herself in.

Lots of pushing ahead alone despite feeling nutty all the time. I try to remind myself that I tried until it didn't make sense any more. I got my youngest off to college and filed for divorce when family court no longer had any jurisdiction.  I kept my head down the best I was able to take care of my them and I waited for the day to arrive that I could hire a lawyer and say enough is enough.

My ex offered no resistance. It was as if it was up to me. Call his bluff or stay in our sad marital orbit.
Thank goodness I still have some measure of game and chose my happiness.