Sometimes words fail me

Each day it dawns anew that my life has been irreversibly altered, My marriage is really over. This is not a separation or an extended trip from which my spouse will one day return bearing flowers and brimming with excitement and relief to be home. He and I will likely never share an easy afternoon in one another's company tackling a to do list or dong an activity of interest together. The rift between us is permanent and real and I know, given how our relationship morphed over the years, a reconciliation is not in any one's best interests.

Mostly I am relieved. Our differences were fundamental and we shared little happiness once our kids were grown. But the routines of family life anchored me in a way I didn't completely understand. And being without the familial structure is like losing the scaffolding upon which I had come to rely.

I know there is an upside to all this. I get a chance to launch a new version of me- Dorothy 2.0. But there is a lot to mourn- not the dark moments of discord and frustration- but the times of feeling gathered at the table and sharing something routine together. That I sorely miss. Big time.