Not Mine

It's my ex's birthday and I'm feeling similar to one of his acquaintances who doesn't have friend status on Facebook. Call/write/text him Happy Birthday or let it go? Surely in the scheme of his life and his new intimate circle of friends, does it matter what I do? Not much can prepare you for the fall out from a sentimental occasion that no longer has any symbolic meaning. I survived Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day and our wedding anniversary in a mute fashion as I grew accustomed to his radio silence.

I'm not a hypocrite- don't routinely wish people the best just to appear kind (because for the most part I actually am).  It's moments like these, freighted with memory and the reality of what is no longer and why that is so, that firmly ground me in reality. I wanted my marriage over, we were unable to resolve a single conflict between us, it was all, you do your thing and I'll do mine (my ex's governing principle) so I took the high road and decided if one person isn't going to make any effort for years at a time, why would I want to take this forward another second longer than necessary?

Still birthdays, the one belonging to the father of my kids, casts a silhouette in my mind. Its significance is diminishing with time (as is to be expected).

What a strange and odd series of events when the person who once held the most meaning for me has passed in to the shadowy realm of one I once knew.