Sadness Squared

Sometimes it feels like a bad movie that will never end. My talented husband has not had a job in well over a year- and the stress of him not working is doing me in by degrees. There is a lot of silence, a lot of things unsaid. I unravel, a little at a time while trying to maintain that things are okay when they aren't. Support comes in tiny gestures, everyone mired in their own difficulties. We have carried on our masquerade with great finesse- we manage to appear fine and by third world standards, we live majestically. Still, watching an able bodied man not go to work, not have a clue how to proceed makes my insides clench as I try to keep things going forward, steady my gaze and hold back my tears. This is the weirdest time for me. Shame descends and I am baffled. Time to dig deep and try harder. I have no idea what else to do.