Forgettable

I was raised in a non-observant Jewish household. Holidays were important to the extent that they fostered momentum to gather together. We were 5 kids plus mom and dad and those opportunities meant something. You either made it there or made the call. But events mattered.

Flash forward a few decades and we are parents of young adults. Holidays are a lot tougher. There is no glue. Everyone occupies their own distinct sphere and barring some major crisis- we amble along our respective paths. It's not what I envisioned- but I married someone from a different faith, meaning different values from mine in a whole host of ways- and as his family all live thousands of miles away, getting together is logistically hard.

With two kids currently in college, money is ridiculously tight. Sometimes, pretending we are okay takes a lot of internal juggling- and while in principal, we are okay. Stressors abound.

Christmas rolls around- and the kids need those presents under the tree. Not a lot mind you. But some new clothes, a few treats. Hoping it will bring pleasure as anyone who buy gifts will attest. And at the end of our present exchange I realized that not a single one of my family members bought me a gift.
Or made me a card. Or did much of anything.

I withdrew. Getting angry seemed too distressing. It's not that I need anything- it's that I wasn't worth making an effort. And now I am sad and shook up. I don't want these feelings-stuck with a dark cloud that I know will eventually dispel.

I have a new hip. It will be a new year. Maybe things will change for the better. Or I'll change for the better (and hopefully not for the worse.) I will seek gratitude. I will try not to let the hurtful (in)actions of others upset me.

And all the lousy, shitty things that happen and blindside me- there's no up side in making crap memorable. Just remember, forgettable. (or at least try).