Place your bets

Nothing like the day after the day after. Trying to put the pieces of my beleaguered soul together and trying to figure out the source of all the fissures and cracks that can render me unable to proceed. Locked in a time tunnel of sadness and loss, all the whys and wherefores are woefully inadequate to put it mildly. I can ponder the genetic component, I can try to trick myself in to feeling better, I can examine all the ways the glass is half full. I can explore all the ways I know I should be grateful, intensely grateful but then a dark wave hits hard and I am rendered mute and paralyzed by the way my heart hurts. This is not the first time that I have been assaulted by this powerful sadness and I know it will not be the last. At the core I suspect it is the feeling of failure that I feel for not having achieved goals long desired and discarded for lack of better fortune. No, what is required is to try and try again and in the trying craft a sense of purpose that fills me with a peace that propels me forward. Hopefully, with a sense of humor to weather the next dark wave. Wish me luck.