Loss & Gain

I just lost the post I was finishing. That's a letdown. It's the re-grouping to put a better spin on things. The post was all about austerity and what a year of living on unemployment has been like. While my husband was terminated in January of 09- technically his severance lasted until the end of May. So, it's not quite a year at that- it only feels that way. We have been keeping it simple with as many amenities as I can conjure up and a lot of do-it-yourself activity takes place around here. We finally started updating our master bath. In the process we have replaced the sink (found on Craigslist), installed hardware we had purchased years ago and now have full use of our shower. Last month, James and I took a steamy one together when it was back up and running. Now that's been heavenly. I go across the hall to the girls' rooms a little as possible. Between their pets- Napoleon the rabbit and Eloise the rat- and the clutter and all their stuff strewn across their bath- I escape back to our side and marvel that my bathroom through some elbow grease and thrifty procuring is becoming so nice. Blessings are appreciated greatly these days.

Higher Learning

I've learned a thing or two about stretching a dollar. It started when my son was two, my housekeeper wanted to quit and help her daughter with her first grandchild, and my career imploded and my business began to disappear. Full time motherhood of 3 kids under 8 doesn't exactly bode well for being a chic, talented New York City commercial photographer. Ever since then, we have had some ups and downs- but certainly I got prepared for this last year. Since my husband, James, lost his job a year ago we have both been marginally unemployed ever since. I have been mastering the art of squeezing dimes, grateful for our healthy home equity line at 3%, relatives who have helped us give the kids the extras that Westchester county children so desperately require. Nora got her minimal retainer with the help of our dental insurance and my eldest can never say her mother didn't insure that she would have a lovely set of teeth (especially when she smiles wide) . Motherhood is a balancing act of many sets of expectations, your own, your kids, and everyone else's. (My husband's expectations rate very high also, most of the time). Keeping them in jeans whose fit they like- always bought with some kind of discount, trying to have candlelit dinners most nights and all else in between.
Optimism needs nurturing also, to stay alive.

Primrose Joy

    














It's been a strange few days. I decided to try to apply for food stamps and spent more than a few hours in White Plains navigating lines, forms and personnel. I had a very nice caseworker who patiently explained to me that as we have a home equity line which I have been tapping into- we are not eligible for aid. Amazing how you need to be beyond destitute and ultimately unstable to get any help. Seeing the range of humanity was startling. I had a meeting at Mariani's Greenhouse yesterday about my photographs. They were charmed by my images and discussion followed by how we might work together. I was dazed by the contrasts of White Plains, to attacking our bathroom tile with James, to my visit to the most exquisite nursery in Armonk that I have ever seen. (Sort of if Bergdorf Goodman sold plants with home goods mixed in.)  Life full of diverse experiences. I left my second trip to social services in White Plains today mystified and discouraged by the bureaucracy of modern life. Decided to fill our emptying cupboards with crackers, pasta, canned treats and bought lots of fruits to tempt the kids. My big splurge was a primrose on sale for $1.66. Repotted into an Italian flower pot I bought during more flush days at the gift shop at Viscaya in Florida. (The reminders of past affluence.) While James used the tile saw to work on our bathroom and I held the light to illuminate the precise cutting required we missed a few calls. My caseworker from White Plains left a message that she is trying to figure out how to help us and that I need to come back tomorrow. I'm grateful for her interest in our circumstances and wonder what will happen next. These are certainly strange times.

Nothing like a quiet Sunday in my tidy kitchen to give me a sense of calm. Trying to figure out how to apply for jobs,
food stamps, hustle my photography and move our lives forward. Not a lot of freedom from anxiety in our busy household.
Splurged today on 6 harp ornaments at Macy's- reduced from $10.00 to $2.50 per- added to my drapes as a decorative accents gives the living room a little more pizazz. The struggle is to be hopeful and determined and not relinquish my sense of well being in all this uncertainty. It's very easy to blame myself for losing track of my career while raising three kids, When James lost his job it became crystal clear how vulnerable we are. Oh, we are nowhere near losing our home- just our morale has taken a beating.
Motherhood is not a good financial investment, that's for sure. But when they stroll into a room looking very comfortable in their own skin, with a steady gaze, stature and voices to match. I think, well, I didn't really waste those years- I just lost some financial well being and the ego boost to match. This is the challenge. After feeling desperately low- I need to create something better each day. Stay tuned.