Thankfulness

I began this personal narrative of mine a little over 11 years ago and reading back on my first years reminds me of earlier days where issues of motherhood occupied me with the daily concerns of raising three kids and keeping the whole enterprise of life rolling along. Now that my offspring are young adults themselves, I am in a different point on the continuum where my energies are best directed at obligations of work and self. Still, I reside in the house where three people were raised and two were born and so these walls team with memories of other days. 

On this Thanksgiving I feel grateful for the blessing of stability and well being, loved ones, friends and the grace and good fortune of living in this beautiful part of the world. Wishing you peace, health and optimism wherever life finds you today.

(from the archive) Halloween in the Hollow

When you live in a historic town, its cultural legacy is hard to avoid. This is the area where Washington Irving made his home called Sunnyside and his famous story, "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" takes place here. Halloween in Tarrytown and Sleepy Hollow is more than an evening of interesting costumes and trick or treaters gathering candy traipsing door to door by the light of carved pumpkins. It is a month long extravaganza of terror inducing hayrides, literary re-enanctments of spooky stories and the spectacles of haunted houses. Yes, it's one big commercial opportunity for local tourism which by October 31st has exhausted the interest of most everyone who lives here. So, when something at all unique is created, it is a treat for me. The members of the Hill and Dale Garden Club of Tarrytown decorated our local Historical Society this year and one of the tombstones was especially poignant and timely. A brief ode of sorts to another legend in a setting meant to inspire.

(I'm reposting this from October 30, 2011 and hope you enjoy!)

R.I.P. dear Comet

Yesterday we received word that our family dog, Comet, who lived with my former husband, passed away. In the spirit of sharing something about this singular creature I am reposting something from 2014. Comet lived for 16 years and had an amazing journey here. He will be missed by all who knew him.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Who do you love?

I'll admit that among the five human members of my family, good will doesn't necessarily abound 24/7. Harmony does happen, it's not a constant atmosphere of discontent by any means. But there is one member of our household whom everyone adores at all times, even when he misbehaves (well, eats someone's sandwich left in a spot conveniently placed for easy access by....him). 

Yes Comet the dog is a reliable source of happiness and companionship- maybe because he's always excited to see whoever walks through the door, is always interested in a belly rub or a scratch behind his ears and finds each of us fascinating, no matter what mundane chore requires our attention. (Okay, he's not really fond of the vacuum cleaner or lawn mower, if truth be told.)

And parentally speaking, it's also nice to have one household member who doesn't require a cell phone plan! 

Not the best day (an entry from the past)

Fighting with my teens is exhausting. If I went away it might be better. That's what I think anyhow. As the years progress I find myself more solitary- less engaged- as though the window that was mine to partake is closing.  That's probably too harsh. I let things come to end. There were a lot of people I just couldn't be friends with anymore. Not that I didn't like the people- I just didn't like the relationship we had created.  It seemed like it hinged on me being pliable, giving, and tolerating. What if you don't want to do that anymore? Someone who is consistently concerned with mostly themselves- how do you fit in? And so if it no longer fits- it had to go. And a lot of people went. Call it my coming of age- albeit a little late in the game. I wasn't even that lonely in my own way in that regard. I couldn't say I didn't feel the loss- I just didn't know how to change the kinds of relationship I was having. I don't want people to drop pointed veiled criticism that way. I don't want to feel that unless I am perfect I am not deserving of love. Maybe that is the crux of the whole matter.
I  had a doozy of a fight with my daughter. My nephew stayed longer than we planned.  It threw off my whole equilibrium. My nephew is sort of unaware of himself in space- leaves dishes laying around, can never push a chair in to the table- or if he does- then I think it is some kind of display designed to show me he is playing by my rules- but thinks they are silly. A little condescension.
My eldest came home from school and has reverted back to childhood. Resents being asked to help. It's just one big fun time all the way around. I know I will make it through. There might be some bumps, some surprises, some setbacks. The kids are children no longer. In principal I know that is a good thing. In principal, even we can't really sit down to a meal together- is that the worst thing that ever has happened?

 I must be a terrible mother. I'll take all the blame if that's the way it needs to be- I am flawed as a mother and a person.
Do I love my children?
Yes, very much.
Who knows how much that matters in the end.

(This is a post that I left as a draft written during the summer 2015.  Negative thinking is clearly one of the talents that I am forced to admit.)

Life (as I know it)

 

I've been otherwise occupied so sharing my inner thoughts on the platform has fallen by the wayside. Everything requires upkeep and attention and if I am distant and flip it's because events have led me to this wary place. There is a shortage of honesty and my faith in human decency has been sorely tested.  

It's all grist for the mill and mostly it all makes me laugh when I am done feeling appalled. Mostly.