Econ 101

There are a lot of guide books out there. Whatever your goals, quests, dreams, desires. Someone has penned some words of wisdom or mapped out a way to achieve your ends. In this time of transition as I live among the memories of unhappy and earlier happier times, I find myself immersed in what was and never was and all the hurts we inflicted on each other. There is a fair amount of shame in acknowledging I spent far too long with someone with whom I was not well matched. And now, as we navigate our final negotiation, it's strange to realize that what began as "love and passion" has devolved to who spent what and how. (and who owes who and how much.)

It's a poignant reminder that marriage has little to do with respect and caring and everything to do with economics.

Who Doesn't?

Now that I am in the land of the newly single,  I know staying uncoupled is not my heart's desire. While my marriage didn't work out, being in a partnership had much to recommend it. Dating again is both nerve wracking and exciting and it's funny to find myself feeling like a teenager again in the body of a woman whose teen years are firmly in the past.

Watching The Bachelor this season provided an escape in to orchestrated romance. Fantastic locales, divine adventures, lots of alcohol and heartfelt confessions on camera. (Mostly) G rated bliss! Dating sites are no match for all the telegenic men and women who sign up to be observed, analyzed and dissed.

It looks like this year's bachelor might have found his one true love. He had casting directors to help find the woman of his dreams and talented camera operators to shoot them from just the right angle and in the best light. I have only intuition and determination to guide me. Throw in a little luck and I might find my own happy ending.
Wouldn't that be nice!

(And a diamond engagement ring- been there- done that. None required. I'll take a gem of a guy over an expensive glittery bauble on my hand any day.)

Sometimes words fail me

Each day it dawns anew that my life has been irreversibly altered, My marriage is really over. This is not a separation or an extended trip from which my spouse will one day return bearing flowers and brimming with excitement and relief to be home. He and I will likely never share an easy afternoon in one another's company tackling a to do list or dong an activity of interest together. The rift between us is permanent and real and I know, given how our relationship morphed over the years, a reconciliation is not in any one's best interests.

Mostly I am relieved. Our differences were fundamental and we shared little happiness once our kids were grown. But the routines of family life anchored me in a way I didn't completely understand. And being without the familial structure is like losing the scaffolding upon which I had come to rely.

I know there is an upside to all this. I get a chance to launch a new version of me- Dorothy 2.0. But there is a lot to mourn- not the dark moments of discord and frustration- but the times of feeling gathered at the table and sharing something routine together. That I sorely miss. Big time.