Better than I imagined

My nuclear family is in a state of re-assembly. The eldest of the brood is living 300 miles away in another state and seems to like her life more days than not. My middle is living at home while working and going to school locally and is the light of my life many days and my youngest is upstate slogging through his freshman year but apparently managing to maintain himself as a college student. My husband is living downstairs in the "guest bedroom" as we wind our way through the initial judicial process with the goal of agreeing on the division of our modest assets as I imagine my future life where he and I are are no longer residing under the same roof.

Given that mom (me) served dad (my spouse) with divorce papers back in September, it is more than awkward navigating his continued presence as an odd specter who appears on occasion to fix himself something to eat or make a little small talk before he heads out for his series of engagements (usually involving massive amounts of exercise). I really was dreading Thanksgiving this year. We have no relatives nearby, too complicated to travel and I knew my freshman really wanted to come home, chill out and see his friends. I suggested to my future ex-husband that he might want to make his own plans for the holiday which was readily accomplished and he announced last Monday that he had invites and was going to be out.

In the end, I bought all the fixings for this festive meal and managed to pull off a respectable feast for my two younger kids who appeared content to eat all the predictable foodstuffs with relish, helped prepare the meal even, and looking at their faces lit by the glow of candlelight I got to feel the flush of gratitude for what was there and apparent.

The goal then is to remember to breathe and stay true. Determination is the fuel that guides me and courage will spur me forward. This year, despite the election, my unraveling marriage, and the world series even, there is lots to be thankful for.

Why

I'm experiencing something weird on this blog. Someone ( (I know? Don't know?) has been clicking on the same unrelated set of posts for over a month regularly. I see their views when I look at the stats. This is not a random pattern of behavior- rather I imagine, a stealth way of letting me know they're watching. I'm in the process of ending my marriage, and as many will attest, it's an unsettling experience to find yourself so at odds with a person that at one time you thought was your partner for life. I get that half of all marriages end in divorce. I respect the odds and how things play out. But I don't like this sense of being surveilled.

I didn't choose to seek my divorce on a whim. My spouse and I have evolved in to different people over the years, and we are no longer able to function happily as a team. Going our separate ways will ultimately lead us to better places.

So for now, between the state of our country and the state of my union, it's better to lay back. Pay attention to what matters, be kind to family, friends, colleagues and strangers alike and be especially kind to myself. Here's hoping for peace on this blog and in the times to come. If I seek solace in silence, now you'll know why.