Sunday, April 23, 2017

Reflecting (and oversharing)

These days, I'm often overwhelmed. When I study my to-do list, I hear my pulse pound in my ears. I can fall in to a temporary paralysis and succumb to distractions (like the Times online) or peruse the Internet for engaging content.  Add instagram, facebook, blogger and email- a virtual bonanza of digital absorption.

I can't say I feel abandoned by my ex. I wanted us to separate. Our limited interactions were reduced to monosyllables while talking through doors. When he backed the moving truck into the driveway, I was more than ready. Bewildered. Mind blown. And ready.

He's a lovely decent man. Everyone who knows him says the same thing.  I affirm his many good qualities, and remind myself to judge not yet ye be judged.

Yet I'm still dazed by what happened. How my ex's love for competitive sport emerged as if from nowhere and became his mission.  How I watched him train religiously, while unable to secure employment,  running through our limited retirement savings as he chased his fitness goals.

(Last summer, I attempted a Hail Mary after listening to my ex describe his training session. I mentioned that if he put 10 percent of his athletic efforts in to the marriage, we might be doing a lot better. "Not going to do that." he quickly replied. And of course, I sound so insipid in retrospect.)

He's found a new community of associates and forged new friendships, one in particular with a gifted para triathlete. They work out together and last summer, when she got some disappointing news, he organized a special dinner and invited her family to help console her. He told me later that "I couldn't leave her."

It's not like you're interested in being reminded repeatedly how important everything is that has nothing to do with you or the family. (That's when you gather attorneys' name in earnest.)

Early September, by mutual agreement, I filed. My ex even went to my lawyer's office to pick up the papers to demonstrate how civil he is.

It's kind of great, while awaiting your estranged partner to hire an attorney and respond to your divorce petition to discover what he's really doing because his special friend posts about it on Facebook and thanks him for all his thoughtfulness.  You don't need to search your heart to make sure you're doing the right thing. Gumption kicks in. (Along with more tears)

Remember you self worth. Blog about it if you need to. Take a page from all the best playbooks, scour advice columns and soak up words of wisdom. Then get going and work on letting go. Enough already. Time to be an inspiration to yourself.

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