Econ 101

There are a lot of guide books out there. Whatever your goals, quests, dreams, desires. Someone has penned some words of wisdom or mapped out a way to achieve your ends. In this time of transition as I live among the memories of unhappy and earlier happier times, I find myself immersed in what was and never was and all the hurts we inflicted on each other. There is a fair amount of shame in acknowledging I spent far too long with someone with whom I was not well matched. And now, as we navigate our final negotiation, it's strange to realize that what began as "love and passion" has devolved to who spent what and how. (and who owes who and how much.)

It's a poignant reminder that marriage has little to do with respect and caring and everything to do with economics.

Who Doesn't?

Now that I am in the land of the newly single,  I know staying uncoupled is not my heart's desire. While my marriage didn't work out, being in a partnership had much to recommend it. Dating again is both nerve wracking and exciting and it's funny to find myself feeling like a teenager again in the body of a woman whose teen years are firmly in the past.

Watching The Bachelor this season provided an escape in to orchestrated romance. Fantastic locales, divine adventures, lots of alcohol and heartfelt confessions on camera. (Mostly) G rated bliss! Dating sites are no match for all the telegenic men and women who sign up to be observed, analyzed and dissed.

It looks like this year's bachelor might have found his one true love. He had casting directors to help find the woman of his dreams and talented camera operators to shoot them from just the right angle and in the best light. I have only intuition and determination to guide me. Throw in a little luck and I might find my own happy ending.
Wouldn't that be nice!

(And a diamond engagement ring- been there- done that. None required. I'll take a gem of a guy over an expensive glittery bauble on my hand any day.)

Sometimes words fail me

Each day it dawns anew that my life has been irreversibly altered, My marriage is really over. This is not a separation or an extended trip from which my spouse will one day return bearing flowers and brimming with excitement and relief to be home. He and I will likely never share an easy afternoon in one another's company tackling a to do list or dong an activity of interest together. The rift between us is permanent and real and I know, given how our relationship morphed over the years, a reconciliation is not in any one's best interests.

Mostly I am relieved. Our differences were fundamental and we shared little happiness once our kids were grown. But the routines of family life anchored me in a way I didn't completely understand. And being without the familial structure is like losing the scaffolding upon which I had come to rely.

I know there is an upside to all this. I get a chance to launch a new version of me- Dorothy 2.0. But there is a lot to mourn- not the dark moments of discord and frustration- but the times of feeling gathered at the table and sharing something routine together. That I sorely miss. Big time.

Unseasonably Warm for February

The end of the month approaches and the early bulbs are bursting out of the ground. There are signs of life everywhere. The hellebore's blooms should unfurl within the week. The political events that frame the every day are a constant source of concern, anxiety and bewilderment. The personal plane recedes.

Yet the entity that stalks me on this blog whenever I go public bothers me more than I care to admit.
So, if you are reading this, and would like to subscribe to Curb Appeal in Sleepy Hollow please send an email to dorothyhandelman@gmail.com as I intend to make it private once and for all soon.

Otherwise- have a good one and as my kid likes to remind me when I remark on the nicer weather..."Thank you global warming!!"

And so it goes

I am particularly sad lately. Empty nest for the most part and spouse relocated to his solo abode- I am sprung in to a new sphere.  My children have minimal requirements of me- I am free to steer my boat wherever I need or wish to- all my decisions are about me, for me and include mostly only me. I have to admit, it's a little heart breaking after all the years contentedly embroiled in family life. I have arrived in a country I didn't necessarily want to visit- but really felt I had no choice. I was not of the happily married persuasion and life was stretching out too far in front to suffer indefinitely what had become our distant, sad marital discourse.

I can say I saw it coming. Have anticipated all the events that have transpired up to now. The tangible reality of what is my here and now is overwhelming and requires my best effort yet. Wish me luck that a new normal  of connection and caring awaits me in the future.