I Had To

As anyone going through a divorce can attest, it's pretty stressful. Compound it all with my spouse's change of heart over the years, where earning a living took a back seat to his passion for competitive sports, while we were faced with two kids in college- well, it took a toll on everyone and I get that I am probably not the easiest person to be around at this time. My parents are long gone, my one remaining in law has stars in her eyes where her son is concerned- so I and our kids will be pulling our resources and our attitude together the best we can.

I understand the need to put my best foot forward with an emphasis on framing the facts of our situation in a positive light. "We are not utterly broke!! We are all in good health!! We will figure this out!! Dad is a good guy!! Adults go through things that defy explanation!! We will survive!!" etc etc etc. But to compound my nuttiness, someone has been stalking me on my blog. Looking at the same random posts over and over again numerous times a day for months now. Is it some kind of weird messaging? An anonymous form of cyber stalking? It got to the point that I no longer wanted to post anything. A kind of violation that on top of everything else made me feel more vulnerable than I already am. So, I changed my settings. The general public won't always be able to access this self referential effort of mine. No great loss in the scheme of things- just a measure in place to set some limits on the crazy when there is so much crazy everywhere I turn. (Trump as President- the ultimate crazy!!)

So, if you are reading this and feel like it's another snooze fest in the land of personal narrative- I get that. And if you understand and want to take me out for a coffee, or a drink,  or offer one of my mostly decent caring offspring a job, find me- I would be most appreciative. (and probably more than you'll ever know...)

(Heartfelt) Seasonal Thinking (in Sleepy Hollow)

 Wishing You and Yours Happy Holidays and
All the Best in 2017!!

When the path was clear

There are lots of unhappily married people in the world so statistically I know there is nothing unique to me. 50% of all unions end in divorce. (When you are married to an Aspberger male, which I suspect I am, the number climbs to 80%.) Over the years, my spouse and I have increasingly grown apart leaving us with little beside our kids to unite us. Neither of us are bad people- we just no longer function well as a team.

Last winter we were offered tickets to a play and on a chilly Saturday night we made our way to the city. For the past few years, whatever time we spend together, finds us enmeshed in an awkward silence and this occasion was no different. Leaving the theater I wanted to stop and photograph the lights and cacophony of Times Square. Later at home, while reviewing my images, I noticed my spouse traversing the frame with the usual grim resting face which has become his normal around me.

That's when I knew for sure what I must do to create a better life for all involved. What a strange and twisted road this has become.

Better than I imagined

My nuclear family is in a state of re-assembly. The eldest of the brood is living 300 miles away in another state and seems to like her life more days than not. My middle is living at home while working and going to school locally and is the light of my life many days and my youngest is upstate slogging through his freshman year but apparently managing to maintain himself as a college student. My husband is living downstairs in the "guest bedroom" as we wind our way through the initial judicial process with the goal of agreeing on the division of our modest assets as I imagine my future life where he and I are are no longer residing under the same roof.

Given that mom (me) served dad (my spouse) with divorce papers back in September, it is more than awkward navigating his continued presence as an odd specter who appears on occasion to fix himself something to eat or make a little small talk before he heads out for his series of engagements (usually involving massive amounts of exercise). I really was dreading Thanksgiving this year. We have no relatives nearby, too complicated to travel and I knew my freshman really wanted to come home, chill out and see his friends. I suggested to my future ex-husband that he might want to make his own plans for the holiday which was readily accomplished and he announced last Monday that he had invites and was going to be out.

In the end, I bought all the fixings for this festive meal and managed to pull off a respectable feast for my two younger kids who appeared content to eat all the predictable foodstuffs with relish, helped prepare the meal even, and looking at their faces lit by the glow of candlelight I got to feel the flush of gratitude for what was there and apparent.

The goal then is to remember to breathe and stay true. Determination is the fuel that guides me and courage will spur me forward. This year, despite the election, my unraveling marriage, and the world series even, there is lots to be thankful for.

Why

I'm experiencing something weird on this blog. Someone ( (I know? Don't know?) has been clicking on the same unrelated set of posts for over a month regularly. I see their views when I look at the stats. This is not a random pattern of behavior- rather I imagine, a stealth way of letting me know they're watching. I'm in the process of ending my marriage, and as many will attest, it's an unsettling experience to find yourself so at odds with a person that at one time you thought was your partner for life. I get that half of all marriages end in divorce. I respect the odds and how things play out. But I don't like this sense of being surveilled.

I didn't choose to seek my divorce on a whim. My spouse and I have evolved in to different people over the years, and we are no longer able to function happily as a team. Going our separate ways will ultimately lead us to better places.

So for now, between the state of our country and the state of my union, it's better to lay back. Pay attention to what matters, be kind to family, friends, colleagues and strangers alike and be especially kind to myself. Here's hoping for peace on this blog and in the times to come. If I seek solace in silence, now you'll know why.