Not the best day (an entry from the past)

Fighting with my teens is exhausting. If I went away it might be better. That's what I think anyhow. As the years progress I find myself more solitary- less engaged- as though the window that was mine to partake is closing.  That's probably too harsh. I let things come to end. There were a lot of people I just couldn't be friends with anymore. Not that I didn't like the people- I just didn't like the relationship we had created.  It seemed like it hinged on me being pliable, giving, and tolerating. What if you don't want to do that anymore? Someone who is consistently concerned with mostly themselves- how do you fit in? And so if it no longer fits- it had to go. And a lot of people went. Call it my coming of age- albeit a little late in the game. I wasn't even that lonely in my own way in that regard. I couldn't say I didn't feel the loss- I just didn't know how to change the kinds of relationship I was having. I don't want people to drop pointed veiled criticism that way. I don't want to feel that unless I am perfect I am not deserving of love. Maybe that is the crux of the whole matter.
I  had a doozy of a fight with my daughter. My nephew stayed longer than we planned.  It threw off my whole equilibrium. My nephew is sort of unaware of himself in space- leaves dishes laying around, can never push a chair in to the table- or if he does- then I think it is some kind of display designed to show me he is playing by my rules- but thinks they are silly. A little condescension.
My eldest came home from school and has reverted back to childhood. Resents being asked to help. It's just one big fun time all the way around. I know I will make it through. There might be some bumps, some surprises, some setbacks. The kids are children no longer. In principal I know that is a good thing. In principal, even we can't really sit down to a meal together- is that the worst thing that ever has happened?

 I must be a terrible mother. I'll take all the blame if that's the way it needs to be- I am flawed as a mother and a person.
Do I love my children?
Yes, very much.
Who knows how much that matters in the end.

(This is a post that I left as a draft written during the summer 2015.  Negative thinking is clearly one of the talents that I am forced to admit.)