Sunday, June 24, 2018

Summing Up as of Now

All I can say is that I am lumbering through. When I look at my immediate surroundings, I am more or less holding my own. The flower beds leap with color, hemlock trees sprayed to curb the onslaught of woolly adelgid, the grass cut and if there are more weeds- well- my motivation and desire to use chemicals is non-existent. A third of an acre with over 30 trees, mature shrubs, mini vegetable garden, numerous flower beds- the maintenance piece only goes so deep.

In August, it will be a year since my divorce was final and I am slowly decompressing from the stress. In my mind, there are three distinct eras to this spell of anxiety- Part A was the long period of realization that the marriage was failing and I needed to be thinking about life on my own, Part B was the legal piece, the physical separation piece, the accounting piece and the negotiating piece where lawyers and the court were the agents of change, and Part C is the part that comes after where you realize those years are in the past. (Hopefully a new relationship hovers in the future. I miss sharing meals and confidences, pillow talk and working as a team. The affection piece is sorely desired as well!)

Now I am an unattached independent woman trying to keep everything going for myself and my kids. As young adults, I am needed more on occasion and not frequently- they are seeking their way as I must seek mine. It's a scary time and thought heavy. Many nights I ponder events which provides very little relief- I'm retraining my brain to look forward and accept things that I was unable to improve, influence or understand.

Summer has always been a special season, the leafy trees and voluminous flowers, the swimming, long days, fresh produce, bird song and whirring of insects which are my lullaby at night. I sleep in no one's arms dreaming of someone currently unknown. I didn't imagine this all those years ago when I said "I do" but I accept what had to happen and am hopeful that the best is yet to come.