Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Growing up is hard to do

In every life there are conflicts resolved and unresolved, seen and unseen. So, in this regard I am hardly unique. I am at odds more than I like, and while I do not seek conflict, historically I always felt I had to accommodate, gloss over, to stay liked (or hopefully loved). I have taken my share of crap delivered from all kinds of individuals and it never fails to land and wound. Somewhere along the line, something in me morphed. No, I didn't pick up a weapon or deliver deadly force, but I didn't want to be that person, that girl who always has to please, even as she feels prevailed upon. Some friends have left my life, and while they leave a gap, it's survivable. Within my family, there are the usual testy exchanges. Kids throw their weight around, we all are less than perfect. But, when I am on the outs with a family member, the pain of the conflict rises up and makes my chest feel tight. It's moving through the anguish, of trying to remind myself that I need to be true to myself more than I need to capitulate. I will survive the terse exchanges and lack of good will. Eventually, the thaw will come. It's more the history of feeling less than, of others being more so, and how this stress can undo me.

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