Fears and Tears

Could I be any sadder? I imagine, of course I could. There is no tragedy afoot. But I am sad and powerfully so. Seeing the flowers setting with spring's arrival can be a reminder of a kind of joy and well being that elude me. It's as though some kind of melancholy larger than me, the weight of a dark history that precedes me is tugging me down. I know I have to stand up and fight. Feel gratitude, for health, for the many personal freedoms that are mine. For three well formed offspring who mostly do the right thing and a husband who is devoted to us and to me. So, when you look at all that I should be grateful for- then guilt over feeling blue compounds the moment. How do you own the moment when the moments are hard? Knowing I should be doing better than I am is a pressure all its own. Life has its share of struggles and the battles to stay afloat are many. Time to read a book of jokes and laugh at myself. And remember things that are easily attained seldom seem as sweet as those gained through fear, tears, courage and determination.