Monday, September 6, 2021

R.I.P. dear Comet

Yesterday we received word that our family dog, Comet, who lived with my former husband, passed away. In the spirit of sharing something about this singular creature I am reposting something from 2014. Comet lived for 16 years and had an amazing journey here. He will be missed by all who knew him.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Who do you love?

I'll admit that among the five human members of my family, good will doesn't necessarily abound 24/7. Harmony does happen, it's not a constant atmosphere of discontent by any means. But there is one member of our household whom everyone adores at all times, even when he misbehaves (well, eats someone's sandwich left in a spot conveniently placed for easy access by....him). 

Yes Comet the dog is a reliable source of happiness and companionship- maybe because he's always excited to see whoever walks through the door, is always interested in a belly rub or a scratch behind his ears and finds each of us fascinating, no matter what mundane chore requires our attention. (Okay, he's not really fond of the vacuum cleaner or lawn mower, if truth be told.)

And parentally speaking, it's also nice to have one household member who doesn't require a cell phone plan! 

Friday, August 20, 2021

Not the best day (an entry from the past)

Fighting with my teens is exhausting. If I went away it might be better. That's what I think anyhow. As the years progress I find myself more solitary- less engaged- as though the window that was mine to partake is closing.  That's probably too harsh. I let things come to end. There were a lot of people I just couldn't be friends with anymore. Not that I didn't like the people- I just didn't like the relationship we had created.  It seemed like it hinged on me being pliable, giving, and tolerating. What if you don't want to do that anymore? Someone who is consistently concerned with mostly themselves- how do you fit in? And so if it no longer fits- it had to go. And a lot of people went. Call it my coming of age- albeit a little late in the game. I wasn't even that lonely in my own way in that regard. I couldn't say I didn't feel the loss- I just didn't know how to change the kinds of relationship I was having. I don't want people to drop pointed veiled criticism that way. I don't want to feel that unless I am perfect I am not deserving of love. Maybe that is the crux of the whole matter.
I  had a doozy of a fight with my daughter. My nephew stayed longer than we planned.  It threw off my whole equilibrium. My nephew is sort of unaware of himself in space- leaves dishes laying around, can never push a chair in to the table- or if he does- then I think it is some kind of display designed to show me he is playing by my rules- but thinks they are silly. A little condescension.
My eldest came home from school and has reverted back to childhood. Resents being asked to help. It's just one big fun time all the way around. I know I will make it through. There might be some bumps, some surprises, some setbacks. The kids are children no longer. In principal I know that is a good thing. In principal, even we can't really sit down to a meal together- is that the worst thing that ever has happened?

 I must be a terrible mother. I'll take all the blame if that's the way it needs to be- I am flawed as a mother and a person.
Do I love my children?
Yes, very much.
Who knows how much that matters in the end.

(This is a post that I left as a draft written during the summer 2015.  Negative thinking is clearly one of the talents that I am forced to admit.)

Friday, April 23, 2021

Life (as I know it)


I've been otherwise occupied so sharing my inner thoughts on the platform has fallen by the wayside. Everything requires upkeep and attention and if I am distant and flip it's because events have led me to this wary place. There is a shortage of honesty and my faith in human decency has been sorely tested.  

It's all grist for the mill and mostly it all makes me laugh when I am done feeling appalled. Mostly.

Thursday, December 31, 2020

With trepidation and hope for the new year

2020 is a hard year to put in to words. The pandemic, the orange haired man, Black lives matter and weather events bringing their own mayhem through wind, water and fire- there is no shortage of abject pain and hardship. Living in my suburban bubble at the age of 68 and holding tight to a restricted universe in the hope of not catching Covid-19- life has different quantifiers than before. Are you loved ones Covid-free? Do they possess antibodies or better yet will they be vaccinated sooner rather than later? Will my young adult offspring continue to use good sense and practice social distancing with the requisite face mask and hand washing? Will the economy revive so that many of our fellow Americans- naturalized, native. green carded or living with the ever present fear of deportation- will their well being be restored when their means of employment return? Will a new president with a more humane agenda bring the decency, compassion and global vision so desperately needed? 

It's easy to wake up fretful in the night. I have never felt such anxiety on an ongoing basis. Yet there is much to hope for and in that vein, there is the call to action to stay steadfast, to ignore bullies and their angry followers, to stay clear eyed for my kids so that I may be the rock that they depend on and may I persevere to be my own rock as we forge ahead.

Wishing you all health, peace, happiness and success in 2021. With that I'll sign off for now.

and the vintage image of me, I hope, says it all.

Friday, September 11, 2020

9/11 (repost from September 11th, 2010)

It's September 11th. Such an ominous day for one and all. Nine years ago, we witnessed the tragedy and mayhem of the hijacked planes, burning buildings, and loss of life. That day was truly beautiful weather-wise. Much like today with warm temperatures, clear skies and brilliant sun. I remember sitting outside with my youngest, Jacob, watching him play in the garden as the butterflies and bees went about their business. Our little patch of suburban eden was untouched by the terrible events unfolding to the south. Observing all the well-intentioned folks going about their daily routines, I knew that nothing would ever be the same again. Fear would be our new companion and worry its constant associate.