Monday, October 1, 2018

An admission

How do I convey to anyone how at sea I feel? That I understand the patterns of life, the hour to lay under the covers, the hour to rise, the excitement of coffee in the morning. The requirement to file tax returns and pay bills on time. The necessity of check ups, and oil changes, and furnace tune ups and gutter cleanings. That weeds should not be allowed to choke the things you planted with care, That you go to the nursery, you pick out plants, you sow seeds. You water them. You notice your children whenever they want or require it, you try to be self reliant at all times. You pay the conscientious tradespeople who come and do all the servicing that you so very require to keep your home safe and sound.
But now with a divorce and children grown, what next?
You work your job- you apply your self the best you can. You think about the enterprise that is the business you work for and strive to help it succeed.
You think about all that was and will no longer be and then your heart chokes with memory and then you get back to whatever task is at hand, grateful that those small beings you once tended have successfully flown the nest.
So what next? What if work isn't the end all be all? What if daydreaming doesn't pay the bills or fill your arms with a loved one to share your life with- preferably male, age appropriate and caring? What then?
No, this last third as it's called. This life post motherhood, post the urgent hunger for success, what next? I am confounded and disoriented as ever. Truly living life one day at a time.

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